This year has been really self-focused, exploring the same ideas all over again and being aware of myself pretty much all the time, by which -and therefore- i mean that i’ve been in constant presence of other people but in a total lack of a true human communication. There, when we become aware of ourselves by the distance with the other, I’ve became tired of my own presence.
Is this reverie the one that makes me write in English, cause for some reason some of my thoughts get shape in this language, like if I was trying to communicate to and for my invisible present and my unknown no-future, abandoning what it was, my past.
I’ve been second guessing myself and the trip a lot. Many times I’ve been just lying on the floor almost to tears, thinking that I’m too old for this and that I should drop off the whole idea of traveling and just go home where everything is already set; there when I was just simply too tired to make the daily effort to make things happen.
People doesn’t help at all either. I’ve reached a point where I try to avoid the conversations about traveling or even topics about life sort of things, cause I’m tired of people asking about my travels not because they’re genuinely interested but because they’re waiting a -well deserved- explanation to prove that I’m doing all wrong and I’m also tired of defending myself and finding the right arguments to prove they’re wrong. Couldn’t we just listen to each other and try to get a genuine conversation in which the aim will be learning from a different point of view?
Have you seen “Inside Llewyn Davis” movie? the part when after a total emotional performance, the guy from the record company says “I don’t see much money in this” or the whole wondering around in the snow trying to get just something true out of your life?. That’s the feeling.
I need some holidays. You know you get a point where you just went far enough to come back, specially if you’re going alone, and it seems that I’m the one who’s always far away. I guess I’m needing some back ups.
I’m about to sail again to new lands, some partially known, some others completely veiled and I even when I sort of perceive the toll that the trip is gonna take, I’m -maybe naive- still feel really positive about it. To discover places and finding mind-alike people, hopefully making some friends in the way cause, sadly, I don’t have runner ups.